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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Common Tools and their uses

Common Tools and their uses
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your attempt becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 11:19 AM
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All good definitions to the answer the question, "What shop tools you do not use while drinking?"
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 11:34 AM
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Hahaha. So true. But you forgot sockets.

Sockets: Used to remove a nut from a bolt or a bolt from a threaded recess. Most times you will end up spending 15 minutes trying to find the size you need only to find out in the end after much cursing that it stuck to the drainplug you just took off.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 12:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inthetundra View Post
Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hahaha....so true. This can be ANY tool within reach.

Ex. Working under Chevy Blazer on the pita exhaust manifold down bolts. Slide out from under on creeper. Bang head on low hanging frame of Blazer. Nearest tool is creeper. Grab creeper and throw thru garage window, watch it land on lawn, all while yelling son of a bitch.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 07:00 PM
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Me likey
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2010, 11:00 AM
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haha i think the engine hoist one is my favorite
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2010, 11:07 AM
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THE OPERATOR: The Bone head that uses very tool in the wrong way; otherwise know as a Primitive Pete. Example: Screwdriver for a chisel, grinding on the side of a grinding wheel, lawnmower to cut hair, rachet for a hammer (too lazy to grab one), uses compress air tool blow off grease from face. Beware of the OPERATOR.

Late!
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2010, 11:52 AM
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hilarious... I've done more of those then I care to admit, including hitting myself in the leg with a board that got away on the table saw while I was making my sons bed a month or two ago. Board then went flying out into the yard, narrowly missing both cars. Love the hack saw one.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2010, 11:59 AM
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a year after the Ford was invented, they invented the hammer
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-05-2010, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by DrDodge View Post
a year after the Ford was invented, they invented the hammer
And shortly there after Chrysler needed ford to get ideas from. I may like treps but notice my name
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-05-2010, 10:41 PM
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And shortly there after Chrysler needed ford to get ideas from. I may like treps but notice my name
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-05-2010, 10:51 PM
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Always good for a laugh the first time you read it, but as stated, the more you read it, the more you realise just how much of those you yourself have done... more than once!

Semper will, I'm sure, chime in about me as a much greener shade tree mechanic - using tools (sockets, wrenches, various car parts) to chase birds out of the corn crib I was working in...
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-06-2010, 10:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cdmccul View Post
Always good for a laugh the first time you read it, but as stated, the more you read it, the more you realise just how much of those you yourself have done... more than once!

Semper will, I'm sure, chime in about me as a much greener shade tree mechanic - using tools (sockets, wrenches, various car parts) to chase birds out of the corn crib I was working in...
Why would I bring up such things?

I still wonder how much it cost to replace the items you threw at the birds that were needed on the engine to get it back together and working, but COULD NOT FIND!
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